My homosexual Boyfriends
by Patty Simmons
Summary: A rant from Yamanaka Ino about men. oneshot please review.  REVISED


I apologize for spelling errors in advance.

I don't own Naruto.

I only wish. -sad-

**My homosexual boyfriends**

**By Yamanaka Ino**

In my life time I have had a total of two boyfriends, two dates, and two hook ups due to erm...games. (All with men.) Or at least I thought most of them were men…

My first hook up was with a very popular boy named Uchiha Sasuke. It was last year, Sakura, Sasuke, Naruto and I, were all hanging out playing the ever popular game of "Truth or Dare." Naruto dared Emo Kid to kiss me. We both made faces because I didn't go for the stuck up arrogant EMO type and Sasuke (emo kid) didn't go for me because he was jealous of my awesomeness.

Anyway, it took us about ten minutes of us saying, "HELL NO!" before Emo Kid finally said, "Alright come here blondie," and boom. It was a tiny peck on the lips, but I felt sparks and I turned _extremely_ red. He blushed a teeny tiny bit, but he still kept his 'I-am-so-much-better-than-you-goddamn-fuckers-I'm bored-out-of-my-mind' face.

I began to like him, but the crush subsided after about a week and realized why I didn't want to kiss him in the first place. (He read his 'depressing' poetry in English class) Remember, no emos for moi.

Later that month, I was asked out on my first date by Uzumaki Naruto. He was a loud mouth, but I said yes anyway. I mean, it didn't matter, considering that it was part of his plan to make Sakura jealous. And I _knew_ that was the only reason I was asked out by him, but I honestly could've cared less. And yet the date went well, I had started to grow feelings for the blonde, tan boy.

And about two weeks later, that's when I began to grow suspicious of my male counter-parts. In the school hallways one day, I saw something horrifying.

Emo Kid had pinned Loud Mouth up against a locker and the two were making out like there was no tomorrow. I dropped my books, because I would have never guessed that my two first crushes would turn out to be gay.

I was crushed, since I had started to like Naruto and people began making fun of me because I like someone who was queer.

But after about three days I shrugged it off and decided that it was just a fluke. I mean…the two boys weren't very manly in the first place. I never really had a relationship with either of them, so I decided it was no big deal and that it would never happen again anyway.

Oh how wrong I was.

About four months later and I was asked out on another date by the best athlete in school, Rock Lee. (He was really into Soccer) He asked me to go as his date to a party being held by this upperclassman, Kankuro. I had nothing better to do so I said "Yes." Sure the guys a bit over dramatic but he's more of a gentlemen than Emo Kid or Loud Mouth. When he dropped me off after the party he even kissed me on the cheek. He was…really sweet.

So anywho, at the party the two of us hung out since I didn't know anyone and he didn't want to leave me alone and…well…it was fun. But then I was sucked into a game of "Spin the Bottle."

About ten people were playing, including Kankuro and Soccer Guy, but at the last minute they dragged Kankuro's little brother into the game, Gaara. This was the first time I had actually seen the boy, and apart from the bags under his eyes, this kid was defiantly eye candy. So it was my turn to spin and guess who it landed on!?

Eye Candy himself.

The kiss I remember was kind of sloppy because neither of us knew what we were doing, but all the same I began to feel something again. I mean come on, the kid was really hot and mysterious…and…yeah well he was hot.

I actually had the pleasure of sitting next to him in at a soccer game two days later. The two of us were talking and we really hit it off. He wasn't very outgoing and he tended to keep to himself, but we did talk…and he smiled at me a lot. I figured I'd ask Eye Candy out just for the hell of it. When I was about to though, the buzzer rang and it turned out that our team won. Every stood up and cheered, including Eye Candy.

The two of us ran out onto the field to congratulate Soccer Guy on the win. We ended up hanging out after the game, and then Eye Candy told Soccer Guy he wanted to speak to me in private.

My heart began beating faster and he began whispering to me, "Ino…how do you ask someone out," he asked blushing. He looked away, and I found it cute. So I said, "Just walk up to them and say, 'Hey I like you. Could we go out some time?'"

He smiled and replied, "Really? That's all?" And I nodded, waiting for him to ask me out. But instead he walked over to Soccer Guy. I cocked an eyebrow in confusion, but then I heard him say to Soccer Guy, "Hey Lee, I like you. Could we go out some time?"

My jaw dropped a little and my mind screamed, "WHAT THE HELL?!" and my jaw dropped even further when Soccer Guy said, "YES OF COURSE!"

…and then they kissed.

Eye Candy and Soccer Guy kissed and I was sooooooo furious.

'_I thought this wouldn't happen again?!'_ I kept thinking. But what was I to do? I mean, I love gay boys, but I don't love them when I think, I, you know…LOVE them love them. Do you see where I'm coming from?

-sigh- Anyway, so about a year later I got my first boyfriend. And he was actually one of my best friends too! Akimichi Chouji. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I had forgotten about last year's let downs and I had moved to _him._

We went out for six months total, and everyone knew we were an item. Those were the happiest six months of my fifteen year-old life time. But we had our hard times. He was suicidal and manically depressed. He tried to kill himself once, mostly because people were making fun of him for being fat, ugly, you know the basics. But he stopped cutting because of _me._ I felt so happy when he told me that, and every one could sense that he was happier too. So technically I wasn't dating an emo. TECHNICALLY!

Again, greatest six moths _ever,_ until the end of May rolled around, he called me up out of them blue and dumped me. That's right, flat out DUMPED me. He was giving any signs to dumping me either! But that didn't matter, because it was all over. I cried for days, my friends Sakura and Tenten by my side the entire time. Tenten told me she'd "Kick his fat ass" and Sakura screamed at him three times. It made me feel better, but I still felt hurt because I had lost a very good friend of mine.

**But you don't care about all those extra details! Do you:D**

Because I need to get to the point.

Okay, so I had this other friend of mine, Nara Shikamaru. He was the biggest geek I had ever met. He was a hacker, and his IQ was well beyond the average junior. (I was a sophomore at the time) but you wouldn't really guess that by just looking at him. He was pretty cute in my eyes and he was my friend just as long as _he_ was. And three weeks after _he_ broke up with me, I was asked out by the G.G! The H.H! THE D.D.M! (Said things stand for, gorgeous geek, hot hacker, divine Dungeon Master. You get the idea)

I said yes and kissed him on the cheek, but I honestly didn't like him that way. I sort of did, but not enough to want to be his _girlfriend._ Not to mention he was too old for me. COME ONE PEOPLE HE WAS EIGHTTEEN FOR GOD'S SAKE!

My father would have a real field day with that one.

So a week later I asked Sakura to break up with H.H for me because hey, it was summer I would be able to avoid G.G for the next three months.

But to my horror, I had discovered something very VERY frightening. _He_ called me up. He figured he'd tell me, JUST BECAUSE HE LOVES ME OOOOOH SO MUCH, that he was bisexual. Now I didn't mind that he went both ways for three seconds until he said, "But I think I'm mostly gay." I hung up on him and I haven't spoken to him since, and the same week I got a call from D.D.M telling me that he was bisexual **and that he has a crush on **_**HIM!!!**_

**-**sigh-

Now this is were I get to the point in this very long rant of mine and I have decided that none of these are coincidences any more.

That Emo Kid didn't just _happen_ to notice how awesomely ravishing Loud Mouth was **after** I dated him.

That Eye Candy didn't just _happen _to find Soccer Guy cute **after** I kissed him.

That _He _didn't just HAPPEN tell me he's mostly gay when I'm dating G.G, WHO BY THE WAY JUST **HAPPENS **TO HAVE A CRUSH ON _HIM!_

Now readers, you can plainly see that after all this evidence that none of these are coincidences. No, the sad truth is that…**EVERY MAN IN THE BLOODY FUCKING UNIVERSE IS GAY!**

That's right! Every single one of them is gay gay gay gay gay GAY! Rainbows and all!

They're all gay. I mean, maybe I should give up after all that! Maybe boys aren't worth it after all. THAT'S WHY I'M TURNING LESBIEAN!

No I joke I joke. I could never give up men.

But my friend Tenten once told me something very wise that helped me A LOT. So everyone pay attention!

Okay, "The good looking ones are mean, the ugly ones are nice, and the good looking ones who are nice are GAY!"

And I honestly think she's right. But then there is the possibility that I _turn _men gay…

OH SHIT!


End file.
